Today Was Supposed to be my Wedding Day

Yep, a year of planning for what was supposed to be my "Big Day" but alas it was not to be. So now what? What do I do with my day so as not to dwell on it? Oddly enough, I don't feel as sad as I thought I might. I figured this day would be tough & I certainly have thought about the non-wedding ( I mean, how could I not, right?) but so far it hasn't been too bad.

A few you have asked me about the boy & what has happened since the separation so I'll give you a quick update. We still talk fairly regularly. It's kinda weird, but we all have to do what feels right I guess. Periodically, we get into the "what happened? what are we doing?" discussion however I have recently come to a place where I'm done asking. I've told him that since this whole thing was his decision, it needs to be him that makes the effort if he wants to make this work. As far as I'm concerned the only chance we have of doing that is to see a therapist. Clearly, communication is an issue for him. I've known it was an issue for years but I just thought we'd deal with it. That didn't really go as planned now, did it? So now, the ball is in his court. If he wants to fix it, he can find a counselor & I'm willing to give it a shot.

I'm at a place now where I believe that he did us a huge favor. I wasn't willing to give him the ultimatum of therapy before (even though I thought we should be going) but now he's forced the issue. He says he wants to be with me, he wants to work on the relationship & make it better before we get married, so I guess we'll see how much. I don't know, I'm still pretty angry with him. Can you forgive something like this? I mean, he didn't cheat on my or steal from me or tell me he was gay. He hasn't been deceiving me, he's just an idiot who doesn't really know how to identify & deal with his feelings. Can it be fixed? I'm just not sure, but I still have some hope.

Ok, so on with my day. I decided that since it was supposed to be a day that changed my life, I should do something positive. Something to help me be a better person or at least feel better about myself so today is the day I start Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred. I bought it to get in shape for the wedding but when we canceled it, I just didn't have the wherewithal to do much of anything for awhile & I really didn't give a shit if I was in shape. Besides, those first few weeks of sadness & depression lead to an 8 pound weight loss with no effort from me. Now I'm back to my old self, I'm almost back to my old weight. I'm naturally fairly thin so never felt the need to do much of anything but I just feel so out of shape. Not liking the way my arms look at all. So it's time to do something about it & what better day to start, right?

Now that I'm back at work, I have found it hard to get into blog mode. It's weird because that didn't used to be an issue but now when I get home from work, it seems like more work. I'm going to try to blog more often but say less maybe that way it won't seem like work. I'm on a mission to make this blogging thing fun again :)

Perhaps I Shouldn't be Allowed Out of the House

Lately I just find that most things & most people irritate me. I've gotten through the depressed, crying part of this break-up and it seems I've moved on to just plain irritable. Bitchy, even. Although truthfully, I don't think that it's about the break-up as much as that may just be who I am. Take for instance, my recent trip to Home Depot. Seeings as I moved into a place about 1/3 the size of my last place, storage is an issue so I have made quite a few trips to Home Depot & Lowe's trying to come up with solutions & I'm happy to say I've been fairly successful.

This particular time, I was wondering around the garden area contemplating buying a hose so my plants don't die. Although they aren't really my plants, I'm just renting them so I'm not sure I care. Anyway, I'm right next to the BBQ area & this guy was looking at one of those gigantic BBQ's they display proudly in the middle so people will stop & look. Clearly it worked in this instance as the sales guy made his way over to discuss it's merits. He's happy - he's got someone in his trap. Knowing his audience, the first thing he says is:

"Did you see the cooler? It can hold a whole case of Bud."

Said customer is about 5'8", 250 wearing a tank top & shorts. Trust me when I say, it's not a good look. He's also white. As in reddish hair (what was left of it) & freckles kinda white. He says:

"Yeah mang, I seen that."

Mang? Seriously, the guy is white as Casper, where the hell did that come from? And, "I seen"? Absolutely not. It's either "I saw" or "I've seen". Never, ever "I seen". As I'm pondering the complete package that is said customer, a girl walks up. Holy crap, this dreamboat actually has a girlfriend! I was surprised for a second until I noticed the look she was sporting. Long curly, dark hair, pinned back on top with big high bangs. Are you seeing it? Think "mall hair", New Jersey circa 1988. She's wearing a floral, sleeveless blousy thing with black shorts that I swear sat just below her breasts. Which only served to accentuate her long lost waistline. Say says:

"They don't got no more small candles. Can we use less?"

First of all, "don't got no"? I don't really need to go into that right? There is no possible sentence where this would be correct. And it's not less, it's fewer! There is a difference in how these words are used & for those of you that don't know, I'll explain. You use fewer when what you are talking about is quantifiable & less when it's not. For example - less fat, fewer calories. I can count calories, I can't count fat. See? Not so hard. You're welcome.

I don't think I'm any kind of English teacher here but how is it that anyone who has made it through school (& obviously, I'm assuming here) not understand the basic concept of a double negative? I mean, even if you didn't learn it in school, it doesn't even sound right. So as I was standing there, judging how they looked, what they were wearing & how they spoke, I realized I'm not judgmental, I'm just a bitch & perhaps I shouldn't be allowed out of the house so as to avoid this constant irritation. However my recent rant on commercials would indicate that it's not the outside world that bugs me, it's just life.

Sometimes I think I'd really like to be a better person. Ya know, rise above the irritation but I just don't see that happening. I'm convinced that my job on this earth is to point out all this crazy so people don't miss out on the absurdities of life. So I'm just going to go with it.

Good News....kinda

Starting Monday, I am back among the employed - yay! I'm going back to my old job which is what I was hoping for but I'll only be working 4 days a week. There is a very big part of me that loves working 4 days however, my bank account & creditors really prefer 5. Oh well, it's better than unemployment (but just barely).

If I had my way, I'd never work but since that will never be my reality, I'm very happy to be going back to a job with people that I truly like. No seriously, I genuinely like almost every person I work with. For me, that is saying quite a bit. As you may have noticed, people in general just bug me.

The Farmer's Market Paradigm

Shopping at a farmer's market will yield more fresh produce than one will eat. The market itself lures one into believing that we will surely eat much healthier the following week. That we will not end up throwing half of it away. Look at that luscious fruit, crispy veggies, fresh baked bread, gooey honey and eggs straight from the chicken. We must have all of it. We will surely eat it as it's all so fantastic, it will certainly make healthy eating easy, therefore we believe we will do it.

Alas, it is not true.

I'm going to clean out the fridge now.

Hey California - Get it Freakin' Togehter!

Ventura County Star

What the hell is wrong with you California? Don't get me wrong - I love you, I love where I live & the fact that I can get to the mountains, beach or desert within 2 hours. However, when it comes to money, my dear California, you suck. Yes, I'm sorry to have to tell you but it's true. You are effed up. I am sick of hearing about your budget crisis because you see, it really seems very simple to me. Remember all those ballot issues over the years that people voted in because they didn't do any more research than what they saw in paid TV commercials? How 'bout you just put some of those projects on hold & use the money for, oh I don't know - education or paying state employees!? I mean, I'm all for a high speed train from LA to San Francisco (though, personally, I'd rather have one going to Vegas) but still, I think educating children is more important. Maybe that's just me. All those street improvement projects? Love them but I think most of us would be willing to put them off if it meant we wouldn't get an IOU instead of a tax return. Oh wait - how bout this? All that money the government wastes on various things like thousands of phone lines & numbers that aren't in use (to name but one) let's take that & pay the people that keep government agencies running as opposed to forcing them to take a pay cut. Let's audit the state government & I'm sure we could find enough money in waste to balance the whole budget!

Ok, maybe not the whole budget but it certainly would help the "crisis". And I know it's not that simple but it sure seems like it should be.

Come on California, work with us here! Or at the very least, work with each other.....

My Neighbors Suck

I must warn that an asinine rant follows.

Not all my neighbors suck, some are quite lovely. However, there is this older couple that lives behind me. When I say older, I really only mean early 60's so not THAT old, just older than I. Anyway, they have annoyed me from the day I moved in but let's face it, I wasn't in the best of moods so I thought it was just me. Their grandkids are over all the time & they're loud but I tell myself to get over it as they are kids & it's not like they're keeping me up at night, right? No - but one of them is still pretty little & they have this big stroller out in front of their house which also happens to be my walkway to the trash & to my garage. It wouldn't be such a big deal if they would put it close up to their house, but they don't. They leave it all cock-eyed out in the way. I move it all the time hoping they may get the idea but it hasn't happened yet.

The garage itself is a whole nother issue. The the door that leads out of my garage backs right up to their back door & they keep all kinds of shit out there that blocks it. I've moved a few things but then I just decided to use the regular garage door as it seemed easier. I thought about calling my landlord right after I moved in but then thought after awhile I would probably start talking to them (since they live only feet from me) & I'd just mention it casually when the time came. I've been here almost 2 months & neither one of them have said more than a passing "hi" to me - and that is only when right in front of me & I say it first. Once or twice the woman actually avoided eye contact with me so as not to have to acknowledge my presence. Twice now, her youngest grandson was sitting right in front of the screen door staring outside (he does this all the time, it's a little odd) but twice as I've come walking up, I hear her call him back & tell him to get away from the door. Really lady? WTF is wrong with you? What do you think is going to happen if I, God forbid, smiled or said "hi" to your grandson? I got the distinct feeling that for some reason known only to her, this woman just doesn't like me.

Today confirmed it. Got a call from my landlord saying he's been having some complaints about me. I was floored. Honestly, I am an awesome tenant. Not one complaint ever in my entire rental history. I think I just said "really?" He goes on to tell me that the complaints are about the fact that I leave my door open all day & I smoke (sidebar here: I quit smoking years ago but with the recent break-up I have been occasionally indulging in this nasty little habit.) and that I have the nerve to have my TV on late at night. Apparently it's too loud for their taste. Now here's the thing - I don't smoke that often & half the time, I do it outside so how is that bothering them? My neighbor on the other side smokes outside as well & quite a bit more often but I guess that doesn't bother them as she's been living here for years & still does it. The TV thing I can understand. It probably is a little loud sometimes since I have the fan on but for fuck's sake, why wouldn't they just ask me to keep it down? They have to walk by my door every day to get to their door. Why not just say "Hey, sometimes your TV is a little loud, could you try to be aware of it?" but nnnoooo, she has to go to the landlord & complain like the whiny bitch she is.

He didn't tell me who complained but I don't have any doubt. She has officially pissed me off. I wonder what else I can do that would annoy her without looking like I did it on purpose. Is that bad? Yeah, that's probably bad but I don't care right now.

Just Sing it the Way it was Written

When did it become commonplace to sing the National Anthem as if you were auditioning for American Idol? Being the 4th of July, of course this would come up but see I go to at least 42 hockey games a year (usually more) & at every one they sing the anthem. Probably 90% of the time, it irritates me. I think it's sad that I actually get excited when I hear someone sing it correctly. The song was written with a certain rhythm, a specific tempo - you do not need to drag it out to twice it's original length just because you think you have an awesome voice. Cuz here's the thing - even if you do have an awesome voice, I don't give a shit. It's the NATIONAL ANTHEM - just sing it the way it's written!!

Hhmmm, I think it's safe to say I've moved into the sarcastic, irritated phase of the healing process!

Happy Independence Day everyone.

Things That Are Bugging Me Today

Different things bug me all the time & they have been known to change from day to day but today these are the things that are getting on my last nerve.

"Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon. I seriously hate this song. I can't find anything redeeming about it. The lyrics are stupid but I could get past that. After all, I have my share of Kiss & 'N Sync (yeah, I know, I'm quite the contradiction) on my iPod. However, musically, it's not only really bad but even worse, it's boring. Boring + musically inferior + bad lyrics = a simply detestable song. Which begs the obvious question - why is it popular? Who is listening to it? And what am I missing here? BTW - no offense to any of you that may love this song. I just don't get it & I don't think I want to.

Kate Gosselin & her ridiculous haircut. Actually, I'm pretty sick of the Gosselin's altogether but I don't care about their show, their divorce, his cheating, or their kids because I can't freakin' get past her hair! What decade is she living in? And if you have a television show, shouldn't there be someone in your life to tell you that maybe a Flock of Seagulls meets Rod Stewart hair cut isn't the way to go?! Like maybe the guy that cuts & colors that mess for instance? I mean really, what the hell is going on here?

Traffic - or more specifically, traffic for no reason other than stupidity & obstinance. Like the inability to merge. How freakin' hard is it to signal & merge?! Apparently harder than I think based on the fact that I see people ride the shoulder all the way up the freeway because they just can't seem to decide when it's safe. If someone has slowed & is waving you over, IT'S SAFE for Christ's sake!! And on the flip side, does it really make you less of a person if you happen to let someone merge in front of you? Is it a contest to see who can be that one extra car length closer to home? I guess if you are closer that means you win - even if you're stopped. The mergies (trying to merge) & the merge nots are really screwing up the traffic for the rest of us! Here's a diagram from New York Magazine that shows the different merging techniques. It amuses me.

So this week's version of hell would have me donning Kate Gosselin's dreadful haircut, sitting in traffic, trying to let someone merge & listening to "Sex on Fire".

I Think I Need to Branch Out

Ok so we all know I started this blog to get & give tips on planning a budget friendly wedding and maybe some day it will get back to that but obviously that's not the case right now. As much as I love my bridal lovelies & keeping up with everyone's plans, it's just time. Time to read some blogs that aren't about weddings. Not that my broken engagement has in any way made me bitter about wedding planning, I think it's just time to branch out. Ok you got me. That's not really true. I might be bitter but I swear, I still want to keep up with all of your wedding plans. I MAY not care as much about the details as I used to but really, I do care about the end result.

That being said, I need some blog recommendations. I need distractions, I need funny, nothing too depressing, nothing too deep. Think fun, humourous, informative, helpful or sarcastic. That's what I'm looking for. Nothing about weddings, nothing about happily ever after (though I wish that for all of you), nothing about finding your soul mate. Oh & for God's sake - no politics! I think you get it, right?

In case you haven't been paying attention - here are the things I love in no particular order:
Hockey (ridiculous hockey fan here)
Pin-up Art
Dita Von Teese
WWE ( I know, I can't help it)
80's rock
(Seriously? Look at that list. Am I a guy & I don't know it?! I'm sure I don't have a penis. Well, maybe if I got some Extenze.....)
Sarcastic and/or dry humor
Observations on the randomness that is our world

Brides, I know it's hard to think of anything but wedding stuff but I'm sure you're all well rounded people & have some non-wedding related blogs that you frequent. I mean, who hasn't checked out Fuck You Penguin every once in awhile, right? No? You haven't? Give it a shot the next time you need a break from the wedding planning. It's completely pointless & a nice little distraction.

Help a girl out & recommend some of your favortie blogs!

Observations from the Unemployed

So, I'm still not working which means that I stay up late & sleep in every day. I'm a night person by nature so whenever I'm not working, my body just naturally falls into this pattern. It'll be a bitch when I have to go back to work & readjust but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

The other thing that happens is that I usually have the TV on all the time. Even if I'm doing other things, I have the TV on. I was an only child until I was 20 so I think it just became like company to me. It's kinda soothing in a way. However, there are commercials that I notice over & over that bug me so just in case you missed them, I thought I should point them out.

• Just because I'm a women & I happen to be home watching soaps in the afternoon doesn't mean I want to hear about every possible feminine hygiene product available. Like this new Rephresh gel which claims to maintain a healthy vaginal pH & eliminate order. It usually comes on at night but it's still on topic. The commercial starts with an announcer asking "tired of the discomfort from vaginal itching and odor?" (is this a problem for everyone but me? Cuz that's what they seem to be inferring). But what happens next is what gets me:
• After your period? Rephresh
• After intercourse? Rephresh
• After douching? Rephresh
After douching?! Are you freakin' kidding me?! First of all, when did we start talking about douching in anything but very vague terms? And more importantly, if you itch & stink on a regular basis (especially AFTER douching) - GO TO THE FREAKIN' DOCTOR! Holy crap, do I really need to say that?

• Trojan Vibrating Touch personal massager - ok Trojan, you can call it a personal massager but we all know it's just a vibrator & not a very good one at that. They should just call it what it is - vibrator for beginners. The commercial annoys the hell out of me. Two middle aged women are giggling & talking about all the things it could do. Really? It's a tiny, fingertip vibrator. I can't imagine that it can do much more than your finger can do on it's own but I digress. Then, they cut to the women who are supposedly using it.
  • "Let's just say it's GOOD for a relationship" A relationship with who sweetie? Yourself? Great, but get a real vibrator!
  • "And it comes in this awesome little bag" Seriously? Is that a real selling point?
  Once again, when did we start talking about & selling vibrators on TV? Ok so it's not on during the day or prime time, but still -it's a commercial for a vibrator. So if Trojan can get away with it does that mean the next step is commercials for regular old vibrators? Then maybe we'll move on to g-spot vibes & rabbits, then attachments? I guess as long as we call them personal massagers, it's ok. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a probelm with any of those things. As a matter of fact, I'm pro-toys. I'm all for anything that works for you. I just get weirded out when I see it in a commercial running on regular television.
  

• Bare Escentuals (Bare Minerals make-up) - I can not tell you how sick I am of this commercial. I realize a lot of people love this make-up. Me? Not so much - too shiny, almost sparkly even. Works for some but I'm not a fan. However, I am a make-up artist & by definition a make-up junkie so generally make-up commercials, infomercials, even home shopping crap catch my attention. That being said, as phenomenal as make-up can be, it's not a miracle & lady, I'm pretty sure you CAN live without it. It might not bother me if I only saw it once & awhile but I can not get through one late night without seeing this & Vibrating touch numerous times. I hate them both.

• ExtenZe male enhancement product. Honestly, this one really kinda creeps me out. I'm a huge hockey fan & this played consistently throughout the Stanley Cup playoffs on Versus. Not even late at night, just right in the middle of prime time viewing - when lots of kids happen to be watching. Those must have been some fun conversations. If you don't watch sports or any other shows with a target male audience, you may not have seen it but you're in luck as you have me to share it with you. BTW, I didn't add the sound effects but found them a little amusing nonetheless.
  
  

• And then there's Pos-T-Vac - I don't really need to explain that right? Vacuum therapy for erectile dysfunction. So you're cuddling, kissing, petting, a little foreplay & then what? "Just a sec honey, let me grab my pump. Give me a few minutes here". I don't care how turned on you are, how much you want to have sex, I'm pretty sure that'll kill the mood!
  

• And my personal favorite - Aciphex. Go ahead & say it out loud. I'll wait. See what I mean? All I hear is "Ass Effects" and they say it a lot in the commercial. I actually giggled like a teenage boy the first time I heard this. A true Bevis & Butthead moment. I mean seriously, what kind of idiots were in on that marketing meeting? Did no one actually say the name of the product out loud? Come on people, you're killing me! This is comic fodder for years. BTW - it's a heartburn product, if anyone cares.

Is there a lesson here? Well, let's see.....Men have small penises & all women want a man with a huge dick. A woman's vagina should be so clean it squeaks. If you watch late night television, not only are you a complete horn dog but you obviously aren't getting any (because you can't get it up, aren't big enough or you itch & stink) otherwise you wouldn't be watching TV at 1am. And make-up can change your life.

That last one is true though....

Things Could Always be Worse

This is usually what I tell myself when I'm feeling down but it has become much more apparent with this recent update from a friend of mine. She is a stylist with her own salon. About a year ago she got a new assistant (we'll call her Shelly) that had moved here from Washington with her husband of many years & their son. Her husband (we'll can him Dan) also worked as a stylist at the salon. Now, I have worked in the beauty industry for years in a few different salons & I've worked with a lot of male hairdressers - most of them straight but when I saw Dan I remember thinking "Seriously? They've been married for more than 10 years?" Everything about him set off my gaydar in a big way. Turns out I was right & I couldn't be more sad for Shelly.

A few weeks ago, her told her he was gay & wanted a divorce. She was devastated - absolutely heartbroken. She was barely into the "How is this my life? How could I be so stupid?" phase when a couple of days later he woke her up at 3am to tell her that not only is he gay - he's HIV POSITIVE! Chances are he never even would have told her he was gay if he wasn't HIV positive. He would have gone on with his double life indefinitely. I can't even imagine what she's going through right now.

When I start feeling sorry for myself, I think of Shelly & the fact that not only is her husband gay, he's been sleeping around for God knows how long & has possibly infected her with HIV.

Yes siree, things could always be worse......

One Month Ago Today....

I officially separated & moved into my own place. I know that lately everything I write tends to be about being sad & missing what I had but honestly, I'm not like that all the time. I've come to a place where I'm not sad all the time. I still cry pretty much every day but not like before. Now it's just every now & then - when I see something about weddings or a show that we always watched together or something that reminds me of an inside joke we shared - but it's different than before. At first it was full on crying & feeling sorry for myself. Now it's more like a few tears, feeling sad for a few minutes & moving on. Progress....

I've also started looking into doing some things for me. As usual, when something tough happens to me, I try to reconnect spiritually. I just ordered some books I've been wanting to get for awhile now. When I read The Secret, I realized that some of the reference material used was connected to some books I had read years ago. I'm not a huge fan of The Secret just because I think it's a little too ambiguous but it stems from The New Though Movement which I started looking into after reading Emmet Fox's Sermon on the Mount. I'm not fully involved but I do think there is something to the whole "the practice of the presence of God for practical purposes" which is just another way of looking at the Law of Attraction and manifesting through positive thinking. So I've ordered some new books to further my spiritual studies & reconnect to that part of myself that seems to have been on hold for the past few years. They should be here next week & I'm excited to get started.

I'm also thinking about going back to school. More specifically, taking online courses & getting my degree. In what? I have no idea but school can never hurt right? I just started to realize that I was in pretty much this same financial position 10 years ago & I don't want to be here in another 10 years.

And at some point, I plan to find a Pilates class & get myself into better shape. I was going to do it before the wedding so I could look great in my dress. Obviously I don't need to do that now but if in fact I need to put my product back out there on the market someday, it really should look good.

Thanks to all of you for being so supportive. I feel bad being such a downer when you guys are all happy but you all have been great. I know I'm not the only one out there going through this so hopefully my ramblings can help someone feel less alone someday.

This is Hard....

Really hard. It's been a few weeks since my anti-bridal shower & the move into my own place. Unfortunately, I haven't been real motivated to get my place unpacked. I started out pretty well but as the reality set in, I was just sad & depressed (is that redundant?). I just didn't want to do anything. Not unpack, not look for a job, not talk to anyone - I just started playing mindless games on the computer & watching TV. It's like I just want to occupy myself with other things so I don't have to think about my life.

I don't want to think about it because I don't understand it. I don't know how or why we got here & I don't want to be here. I think more than anything else, I really miss my friend. He was my person. We talked on the phone all the time when we weren't together & I told him everything. I miss sharing the menial bullshit that goes on in my daily life with him. I still talk to him & we're friendly & he tries to be supportive (which is big of him since this is all his doing anyway) but it's not the same. I mean, I can't just call him all the time like I used to. Seems like that would make it too easy for him right? I don't want to be just friends even if I do miss that part the most.

Since we've moved, he's been working & out of town with friends. He's spent very little time by himself actually thinking about this. I have asked him to do just that & figure out why this is what he needs & what he really wants out of it. He can't seem to give me an answer to that right now. Maybe he really just doesn't want to be with me & by the time he figures it out, I may not want to be with him.

Tonight I made the HUGE mistake of looking at Broke-Ass Bride's wedding pictures. I don't know why I did it. As some of you may remember, we booked or wedding & reception the same place they had their reception. So why did I look? I don't know but I felt like I had to. Then I cried. A lot.

Jeez, I'm just really sad. It's like everything I thought I knew about my life just doesn't exist anymore. Well, not everything about my life - I still have awesome friends & family & a strong faith but all my plans for my future are just gone. Sure, I know there will still be a future & eventually, I'll have different plans but is sure is hard to give up what I had. I suppose it could still work out eventually but I have decided that if this is what he wants, he'll have to work his ass off to get it back! And some kind of therapy will be required - mostly for me.

The Anit-Bridal Shower

How great is my mom? She asked me to come over tonight & she was going to take me shopping to buy me some pans. We didn't have great pans or anything but most of them were the boy's so I have like 1 $3 frying pan & 1 $9 sauce pan from Ikea. Oh - and a Dutch oven that I don't think I've ever used. Mind you, I didn't have any idea where I'd put these pans, but like the rest of this crap piled up around me, I figured eventually I'd find a place.

Anyway, I got in the shower, barely managed a little mascara & partially dried my hair. Now, you all don't really know me but this is not the way I leave the house on a general basis. I get to my mom's house & she's arranged a surprise "anti-bridal shower" with all my friends from my old job & a couple of my other close friends. She said she tried to get my friend from Boston to come but couldn't really swing it. Of course, I say, all the way from Boston. Then she jumps out from the other room. I don't know that I've ever been so happy to see someone. I've known her since I was 5. She's my best friend.

They got me a tiara & made me a a big card telling me I was beautiful & fabulous. They also made a pin the tail on the donkey game with the boy's face on the donkey's ass. They all got me some awesome dishes & a new set of pans. Seriously, how great is that?! I love my friends!

I am so grateful for these people in my life. I don't even work there anymore & they all chipped in to get me some nice pans - even the guys (they didn't come to the shower but they wanted to do something for me). I want to go back to work there so badly but it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me & right now, I need to play the hand I'm dealt. I just adore all of them. I've never worked somewhere where I genuinely liked everyone.

I'm going to spend the day tomorrow with my friend from Boston and our mutual friend Melissa. A few years ago, Melissa's marriage fell apart & she never saw it coming. They'd been together 9 years & only married for 3. She can totally relate to what I'm going through right now so it is so nice to talk with her. We're going to eat crappy food & get pedicures. There is a huge part of me that doesn't feel like doing anything but I know I need to get out & try to have some fun. Forget about my own drama for awhile.

What to do After a Broken Engagement?

Fuck, if I know. No one thinks about this, no one plans for it. When you get engaged, no one ever thinks about what would happen if your future groom were to freak out 3 months before your wedding & call the whole thing off.

So now I'm sitting here, in my tiny new place (less than 1/2 the size of our old place) trying to figure out what to do. I certainly have plenty to do, the whole bedroom is filled with boxes & I can't buy a bed until I get through some of this shit. Honestly, I didn't think I had that much stuff - that is, until I moved in to a place so tiny. At least it has a garage. It's full, but I have plans to donate some old furniture as well. Somehow I think maybe if I purge, I'll feel better - lighter, freer. At least I hope that will be the case.

I know that as long as I sit in the middle of this chaos, I'll be a mess. On the other hand, I don't want to go through it. Maybe because that makes it more real. I feel stuck.

On a happier note, I have a second interview on Friday so I may be among the employed again soon. I was really wanting to go back to my old company as the plan was to hire me back when they open their new location. Unfortunately, they can't give me a definite time frame & I think I just need to move on. May as well complete the circle of change right? No wedding, no fiance, new place to live, new job. Crap, I don't really know how to live this life. It's just completely different from the life I had planned 3 weeks ago.

Funny How Quickly Your Life Can Change

Two weeks ago I was planing a wedding in 3 months. My biggest concern was when my company would hire me back since we had to move before the 22nd of May. Today, there is no wedding, still no job & I'm moving into my own place.

I don't know what happened & I don't know why but the boy has decided that we need to live apart & get our respective shit together before we get married. Now see, I was kinda buying into the whole postponing the wedding thing as he has a point and 3 months was coming WAY too fast. However, this moving out on our own & still dating? I had to say no to that. I'm not about to go from living together for 5 years & planning a wedding to living apart & dating. Essentially I gave him an ultimatum & it didn't end up that way I had anticipated. Not at all.

So now we are separating & I'm so sad & so angry. I fully believe that he is doing what he thinks is right in his heart, I just disagree with him. I think we should do it together but he made his choice & now there is no "together". I know we'll still talk & maybe someday I can forgive him but right now I just this side of hating him. He's torn apart my whole life. Everything I believed about him & about us is just gone. I almost numb right now.

So clearly I won't be talking weddings much - at least not in the way you all are but I will be keeping up with you guys & your plans as I still feel connected to everyone. I hope to God none of you will ever have to go through this. Maybe I'll start a new blog to chronicle this journey I never thought I'd be taking. Or maybe I just keep doing it here. You are all welcome to follow along but I won't be offended if you don't. Who wants to talk about broken engagements when they are planning a wedding? I get it.

Anyway, I'll be back in some form next week. I'm moving on Monday & will be by myself (with the cats) in a tiny little place with no job & nothing but time. Thank God I found a landlord willing to take a chance on me with my bad credit & lack of employment.

Here's what I know for sure - no matter how bad I feel right now, I wake up every day & I'm breathing & I have family & friends that love me. What's happening to me isn't terminal. I'll get through it & that's better than some people.

Oh, it just keeps getting better...

Last night the boy says he thinks maybe we should postpone the wedding. Maybe it's too much. Maybe we should go to counseling since he just figured out that he's not having any fun planning the wedding. Maybe we need to take the pressure off a bit. Seriously? Three months before the wedding? Three weeks before we have to find a place to live, pack & move? THIS is the time he chooses to have this discussion?! You have to be fucking kidding me!

How is this my life right now?

Sorry ladies, I'm a total downer right now.

Sorry, I've been MIA...

I have so much catching up to do & so little time to do it! Just a quick update - the bank came through with $4000 for us to move in 30 days. I guess that makes it easier for them knowing we won't trash the place, they won't have to go through the legal hoops of eviction & they know we'll be out in 30 days & they can get in & sell it. Works for me since it's unlikely I will see my deposit any time soon.

So now I've got about 3 weeks to find a place, pack & move. Meanwhile, I also have to find a photographer & a dress. Any prayers, good thoughts, ideas or advice (or a photographer) would be greatly appreciated!

I am going to try to keep up & stay connected to this whole wedding planning thing but the last few days I have just been so overwhelmed that unfortunately, I don't do much of anything. I am trying to believe that this will all go smoothly & we'll find an awesome place & a landlord willing to work with our bad credit & we won't be packing our brains out at the last minute like last time. I really do try to buy into that vision. I actually visualize it at night & play it in my head. Like maybe if I put it out there in the universe, the universe will provide it. I'm not sure if the universe is listening but I sure hope so!

Forgive me ladies if I'm not right on top of things. I've really missed keeping up with all of you but I'll try to catch up & stay connected.

Wish me luck!

Wedding Invitations

Ok, so I've finally shown you all my venue & now I'd like your opinions on these invitations. I found these on the fabulous Etsy (seriously, how did I not know about this site before?). These are from the lovely collection at TrueViolet.

Oviously, the colors aren't right but I purchaed the sample set & she's going to customize it for me. The boy & I disagree on how to use the colors. Our colors are black, white & deep red, maybe a little purple as well. SO that being said, I was thinking black & white background with deep red frame & black font (maybe our names in red) & black envelopes. The boy (who used to design signs) thinks the black & white will be too dark & the frame detail won't stand out enough. I see his point, however, those are our colors so how else could we do it? He thinks we can go gray in the background. That doesn't make sense to me since it's not one of our colors.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I convo'd the designer & asked her opinion so we'll see what she comes up with. I just think they go so nicely with our venue. I hope they are as nice as I think they are!

I don't think we'll used an RSVP card & asked her to make it a reception card with the address & our website info.

I'll let you all know when I get them but until then, feel free to give your opinions.

So Let's Talk About the Venue....finally!

I've been holding out on talking about our venue since we still need to finalize a couple things but I think I'm over it now. They've assured me the date is mine & I don't need to worry. So without further ado, we're getting married & having our reception at The Bungalow Club in Los Angeles.

Here's some pics from the interior:

The two pictures above are from the front bar.

These two are the patio area

And this is the upstairs lounge!

Fabulous right? Ok, so not exactly the retro cocktail party thing I had always wanted but we really like it & I love the owner. She is so cool & fabulous & she makes it so easy (need I remind everyone how much I enjoy the easy?). And since we're getting married on a Sunday, we get the entire venue to ourselves! Until 1:30am. Woohoo!

When I sent in my request for a quote, she sent me back one price. ONE PRICE!! Thank you Jesus! It includes ceremony (need an officiant) appetizers, buffet dinner, open bar for an hour cash bar after that (I know, I know - people think it's unacceptable but ya know what? I don't drink & I have a very hard time paying for people to get drunk at my party. So it is what it is & my friends are fine with it) and of course all tables, chairs, lines, servers, security & get this - TAX & TIP! Yay, I don't have to think about it!

AND, since it's got so much of it's own stuff going on that I don't really need to decorate much. All those candles are part of the decor. Maybe some centerpices but that's about it. One more thing off the list! I'm kidding of course, I don't have a list. I should have a list & sometimes I pretend I'm making lists to refer to later but then I never look at them again (no wonder I suck at this).

But I digress, the ceremony will be held on the patio. They'll move out all the furniture & set it up however we want (we don't know what that might be but they'll do it). After the short ceremony, everyone will move into the main bar for cocktails, appetizers & Sinatra while they prepare the patio for dinner. After dinner & cake, it's upstairs to the lounge for dancing & the older folks who don't like 80's pop & rock can still enjoy some mellower music downstairs.

A big thanks to The Broke-Ass Bride. If I hadn't seen this on her site, I never would have contacted them. I had seen the Bungalow Club on some list but didn't bother emailing as I didn't think I could afford it. Turns out I can. Email me if you want to know more about the cost.