This is Hard....

Thursday, June 11, 2009
Really hard. It's been a few weeks since my anti-bridal shower & the move into my own place. Unfortunately, I haven't been real motivated to get my place unpacked. I started out pretty well but as the reality set in, I was just sad & depressed (is that redundant?). I just didn't want to do anything. Not unpack, not look for a job, not talk to anyone - I just started playing mindless games on the computer & watching TV. It's like I just want to occupy myself with other things so I don't have to think about my life.

I don't want to think about it because I don't understand it. I don't know how or why we got here & I don't want to be here. I think more than anything else, I really miss my friend. He was my person. We talked on the phone all the time when we weren't together & I told him everything. I miss sharing the menial bullshit that goes on in my daily life with him. I still talk to him & we're friendly & he tries to be supportive (which is big of him since this is all his doing anyway) but it's not the same. I mean, I can't just call him all the time like I used to. Seems like that would make it too easy for him right? I don't want to be just friends even if I do miss that part the most.

Since we've moved, he's been working & out of town with friends. He's spent very little time by himself actually thinking about this. I have asked him to do just that & figure out why this is what he needs & what he really wants out of it. He can't seem to give me an answer to that right now. Maybe he really just doesn't want to be with me & by the time he figures it out, I may not want to be with him.

Tonight I made the HUGE mistake of looking at Broke-Ass Bride's wedding pictures. I don't know why I did it. As some of you may remember, we booked or wedding & reception the same place they had their reception. So why did I look? I don't know but I felt like I had to. Then I cried. A lot.

Jeez, I'm just really sad. It's like everything I thought I knew about my life just doesn't exist anymore. Well, not everything about my life - I still have awesome friends & family & a strong faith but all my plans for my future are just gone. Sure, I know there will still be a future & eventually, I'll have different plans but is sure is hard to give up what I had. I suppose it could still work out eventually but I have decided that if this is what he wants, he'll have to work his ass off to get it back! And some kind of therapy will be required - mostly for me.

4 comments:

un-bride said...

I'm so sorry, honey ... everything you're feeling/thinking/going through is justified. And if I could offer you any advice, it would be to cut all contact with him for a while. In my experience (which was never with a fiance, granted) it's better to mourn the loss completely than torture yourself by hanging onto threads.

Seriously, f*cking ignore me if you want to, but I'm here if you need to talk. Rabbit dot hopper at gmail dot com.

Broke-ass Bride said...

I stumbled across this today and had to reach out. I am so sorry for everything you're going through. I can't begin to imagine what its like.

What I can say, is that I think this is all for the best. If your man is having doubts like this after so long, you may have just dodged the biggest bullet of your life. Cold Comfort, I know.

Check out Penny's blog, she went through something similar not too long ago. Maybe it will help.... pantomimepapers.squarespace.com

Huge HUGE hugs and love and strength. Everything will be alright with time.

One Barefoot Bride said...

Oh my dear, a BIG virtual hug to you!!! It is so rough to have your life shaken up so completely. The sadness and depression (yes, different, I think) seem par for the course... pretty much my experience when I separated from a live-in boyfriend many years back. Having a professional to talk with could help.

Though it's really difficult, I concur with Un-bride that a total separation is best in the short term, and then, once you both know what you want, you can consider a reconciliation if it seems appropriate. Any chance of a small trip or vacation? Even just up or down the coast a bit? I'm a big believer in the healing power of nature, as well as getting a change of scene to gain some perspective.

sending you hugs and strength!!!

Krista said...

This must be so hard, I'm so sorry. I hope&pray you can make it through and come out better for it -- no matter how the future turns out. For now, focus on your positives, sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for too!

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