Today Was Supposed to be my Wedding Day

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Yep, a year of planning for what was supposed to be my "Big Day" but alas it was not to be. So now what? What do I do with my day so as not to dwell on it? Oddly enough, I don't feel as sad as I thought I might. I figured this day would be tough & I certainly have thought about the non-wedding ( I mean, how could I not, right?) but so far it hasn't been too bad.

A few you have asked me about the boy & what has happened since the separation so I'll give you a quick update. We still talk fairly regularly. It's kinda weird, but we all have to do what feels right I guess. Periodically, we get into the "what happened? what are we doing?" discussion however I have recently come to a place where I'm done asking. I've told him that since this whole thing was his decision, it needs to be him that makes the effort if he wants to make this work. As far as I'm concerned the only chance we have of doing that is to see a therapist. Clearly, communication is an issue for him. I've known it was an issue for years but I just thought we'd deal with it. That didn't really go as planned now, did it? So now, the ball is in his court. If he wants to fix it, he can find a counselor & I'm willing to give it a shot.

I'm at a place now where I believe that he did us a huge favor. I wasn't willing to give him the ultimatum of therapy before (even though I thought we should be going) but now he's forced the issue. He says he wants to be with me, he wants to work on the relationship & make it better before we get married, so I guess we'll see how much. I don't know, I'm still pretty angry with him. Can you forgive something like this? I mean, he didn't cheat on my or steal from me or tell me he was gay. He hasn't been deceiving me, he's just an idiot who doesn't really know how to identify & deal with his feelings. Can it be fixed? I'm just not sure, but I still have some hope.

Ok, so on with my day. I decided that since it was supposed to be a day that changed my life, I should do something positive. Something to help me be a better person or at least feel better about myself so today is the day I start Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred. I bought it to get in shape for the wedding but when we canceled it, I just didn't have the wherewithal to do much of anything for awhile & I really didn't give a shit if I was in shape. Besides, those first few weeks of sadness & depression lead to an 8 pound weight loss with no effort from me. Now I'm back to my old self, I'm almost back to my old weight. I'm naturally fairly thin so never felt the need to do much of anything but I just feel so out of shape. Not liking the way my arms look at all. So it's time to do something about it & what better day to start, right?

Now that I'm back at work, I have found it hard to get into blog mode. It's weird because that didn't used to be an issue but now when I get home from work, it seems like more work. I'm going to try to blog more often but say less maybe that way it won't seem like work. I'm on a mission to make this blogging thing fun again :)