The Anit-Bridal Shower

Saturday, May 23, 2009
How great is my mom? She asked me to come over tonight & she was going to take me shopping to buy me some pans. We didn't have great pans or anything but most of them were the boy's so I have like 1 $3 frying pan & 1 $9 sauce pan from Ikea. Oh - and a Dutch oven that I don't think I've ever used. Mind you, I didn't have any idea where I'd put these pans, but like the rest of this crap piled up around me, I figured eventually I'd find a place.

Anyway, I got in the shower, barely managed a little mascara & partially dried my hair. Now, you all don't really know me but this is not the way I leave the house on a general basis. I get to my mom's house & she's arranged a surprise "anti-bridal shower" with all my friends from my old job & a couple of my other close friends. She said she tried to get my friend from Boston to come but couldn't really swing it. Of course, I say, all the way from Boston. Then she jumps out from the other room. I don't know that I've ever been so happy to see someone. I've known her since I was 5. She's my best friend.

They got me a tiara & made me a a big card telling me I was beautiful & fabulous. They also made a pin the tail on the donkey game with the boy's face on the donkey's ass. They all got me some awesome dishes & a new set of pans. Seriously, how great is that?! I love my friends!

I am so grateful for these people in my life. I don't even work there anymore & they all chipped in to get me some nice pans - even the guys (they didn't come to the shower but they wanted to do something for me). I want to go back to work there so badly but it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me & right now, I need to play the hand I'm dealt. I just adore all of them. I've never worked somewhere where I genuinely liked everyone.

I'm going to spend the day tomorrow with my friend from Boston and our mutual friend Melissa. A few years ago, Melissa's marriage fell apart & she never saw it coming. They'd been together 9 years & only married for 3. She can totally relate to what I'm going through right now so it is so nice to talk with her. We're going to eat crappy food & get pedicures. There is a huge part of me that doesn't feel like doing anything but I know I need to get out & try to have some fun. Forget about my own drama for awhile.

What to do After a Broken Engagement?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Fuck, if I know. No one thinks about this, no one plans for it. When you get engaged, no one ever thinks about what would happen if your future groom were to freak out 3 months before your wedding & call the whole thing off.

So now I'm sitting here, in my tiny new place (less than 1/2 the size of our old place) trying to figure out what to do. I certainly have plenty to do, the whole bedroom is filled with boxes & I can't buy a bed until I get through some of this shit. Honestly, I didn't think I had that much stuff - that is, until I moved in to a place so tiny. At least it has a garage. It's full, but I have plans to donate some old furniture as well. Somehow I think maybe if I purge, I'll feel better - lighter, freer. At least I hope that will be the case.

I know that as long as I sit in the middle of this chaos, I'll be a mess. On the other hand, I don't want to go through it. Maybe because that makes it more real. I feel stuck.

On a happier note, I have a second interview on Friday so I may be among the employed again soon. I was really wanting to go back to my old company as the plan was to hire me back when they open their new location. Unfortunately, they can't give me a definite time frame & I think I just need to move on. May as well complete the circle of change right? No wedding, no fiance, new place to live, new job. Crap, I don't really know how to live this life. It's just completely different from the life I had planned 3 weeks ago.

Funny How Quickly Your Life Can Change

Saturday, May 16, 2009
Two weeks ago I was planing a wedding in 3 months. My biggest concern was when my company would hire me back since we had to move before the 22nd of May. Today, there is no wedding, still no job & I'm moving into my own place.

I don't know what happened & I don't know why but the boy has decided that we need to live apart & get our respective shit together before we get married. Now see, I was kinda buying into the whole postponing the wedding thing as he has a point and 3 months was coming WAY too fast. However, this moving out on our own & still dating? I had to say no to that. I'm not about to go from living together for 5 years & planning a wedding to living apart & dating. Essentially I gave him an ultimatum & it didn't end up that way I had anticipated. Not at all.

So now we are separating & I'm so sad & so angry. I fully believe that he is doing what he thinks is right in his heart, I just disagree with him. I think we should do it together but he made his choice & now there is no "together". I know we'll still talk & maybe someday I can forgive him but right now I just this side of hating him. He's torn apart my whole life. Everything I believed about him & about us is just gone. I almost numb right now.

So clearly I won't be talking weddings much - at least not in the way you all are but I will be keeping up with you guys & your plans as I still feel connected to everyone. I hope to God none of you will ever have to go through this. Maybe I'll start a new blog to chronicle this journey I never thought I'd be taking. Or maybe I just keep doing it here. You are all welcome to follow along but I won't be offended if you don't. Who wants to talk about broken engagements when they are planning a wedding? I get it.

Anyway, I'll be back in some form next week. I'm moving on Monday & will be by myself (with the cats) in a tiny little place with no job & nothing but time. Thank God I found a landlord willing to take a chance on me with my bad credit & lack of employment.

Here's what I know for sure - no matter how bad I feel right now, I wake up every day & I'm breathing & I have family & friends that love me. What's happening to me isn't terminal. I'll get through it & that's better than some people.