Perhaps I Shouldn't be Allowed Out of the House

Sunday, July 19, 2009
Lately I just find that most things & most people irritate me. I've gotten through the depressed, crying part of this break-up and it seems I've moved on to just plain irritable. Bitchy, even. Although truthfully, I don't think that it's about the break-up as much as that may just be who I am. Take for instance, my recent trip to Home Depot. Seeings as I moved into a place about 1/3 the size of my last place, storage is an issue so I have made quite a few trips to Home Depot & Lowe's trying to come up with solutions & I'm happy to say I've been fairly successful.

This particular time, I was wondering around the garden area contemplating buying a hose so my plants don't die. Although they aren't really my plants, I'm just renting them so I'm not sure I care. Anyway, I'm right next to the BBQ area & this guy was looking at one of those gigantic BBQ's they display proudly in the middle so people will stop & look. Clearly it worked in this instance as the sales guy made his way over to discuss it's merits. He's happy - he's got someone in his trap. Knowing his audience, the first thing he says is:

"Did you see the cooler? It can hold a whole case of Bud."

Said customer is about 5'8", 250 wearing a tank top & shorts. Trust me when I say, it's not a good look. He's also white. As in reddish hair (what was left of it) & freckles kinda white. He says:

"Yeah mang, I seen that."

Mang? Seriously, the guy is white as Casper, where the hell did that come from? And, "I seen"? Absolutely not. It's either "I saw" or "I've seen". Never, ever "I seen". As I'm pondering the complete package that is said customer, a girl walks up. Holy crap, this dreamboat actually has a girlfriend! I was surprised for a second until I noticed the look she was sporting. Long curly, dark hair, pinned back on top with big high bangs. Are you seeing it? Think "mall hair", New Jersey circa 1988. She's wearing a floral, sleeveless blousy thing with black shorts that I swear sat just below her breasts. Which only served to accentuate her long lost waistline. Say says:

"They don't got no more small candles. Can we use less?"

First of all, "don't got no"? I don't really need to go into that right? There is no possible sentence where this would be correct. And it's not less, it's fewer! There is a difference in how these words are used & for those of you that don't know, I'll explain. You use fewer when what you are talking about is quantifiable & less when it's not. For example - less fat, fewer calories. I can count calories, I can't count fat. See? Not so hard. You're welcome.

I don't think I'm any kind of English teacher here but how is it that anyone who has made it through school (& obviously, I'm assuming here) not understand the basic concept of a double negative? I mean, even if you didn't learn it in school, it doesn't even sound right. So as I was standing there, judging how they looked, what they were wearing & how they spoke, I realized I'm not judgmental, I'm just a bitch & perhaps I shouldn't be allowed out of the house so as to avoid this constant irritation. However my recent rant on commercials would indicate that it's not the outside world that bugs me, it's just life.

Sometimes I think I'd really like to be a better person. Ya know, rise above the irritation but I just don't see that happening. I'm convinced that my job on this earth is to point out all this crazy so people don't miss out on the absurdities of life. So I'm just going to go with it.

2 comments:

un-bride said...

I don't consider defense of the English language a negative character trait. So there. Rant on, luv.

ps: I have a theory that Home Depot only has locations in LA to amuse "the rest of us".

otin said...

Whers yous from? I's froms Jersey but now I lives in da south. Sounds like he gots hisself a deal on the grill! LMAO! I hate total butchering of the language!

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