Observations from the Unemployed

So, I'm still not working which means that I stay up late & sleep in every day. I'm a night person by nature so whenever I'm not working, my body just naturally falls into this pattern. It'll be a bitch when I have to go back to work & readjust but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

The other thing that happens is that I usually have the TV on all the time. Even if I'm doing other things, I have the TV on. I was an only child until I was 20 so I think it just became like company to me. It's kinda soothing in a way. However, there are commercials that I notice over & over that bug me so just in case you missed them, I thought I should point them out.

• Just because I'm a women & I happen to be home watching soaps in the afternoon doesn't mean I want to hear about every possible feminine hygiene product available. Like this new Rephresh gel which claims to maintain a healthy vaginal pH & eliminate order. It usually comes on at night but it's still on topic. The commercial starts with an announcer asking "tired of the discomfort from vaginal itching and odor?" (is this a problem for everyone but me? Cuz that's what they seem to be inferring). But what happens next is what gets me:
• After your period? Rephresh
• After intercourse? Rephresh
• After douching? Rephresh
After douching?! Are you freakin' kidding me?! First of all, when did we start talking about douching in anything but very vague terms? And more importantly, if you itch & stink on a regular basis (especially AFTER douching) - GO TO THE FREAKIN' DOCTOR! Holy crap, do I really need to say that?

• Trojan Vibrating Touch personal massager - ok Trojan, you can call it a personal massager but we all know it's just a vibrator & not a very good one at that. They should just call it what it is - vibrator for beginners. The commercial annoys the hell out of me. Two middle aged women are giggling & talking about all the things it could do. Really? It's a tiny, fingertip vibrator. I can't imagine that it can do much more than your finger can do on it's own but I digress. Then, they cut to the women who are supposedly using it.
  • "Let's just say it's GOOD for a relationship" A relationship with who sweetie? Yourself? Great, but get a real vibrator!
  • "And it comes in this awesome little bag" Seriously? Is that a real selling point?
  Once again, when did we start talking about & selling vibrators on TV? Ok so it's not on during the day or prime time, but still -it's a commercial for a vibrator. So if Trojan can get away with it does that mean the next step is commercials for regular old vibrators? Then maybe we'll move on to g-spot vibes & rabbits, then attachments? I guess as long as we call them personal massagers, it's ok. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a probelm with any of those things. As a matter of fact, I'm pro-toys. I'm all for anything that works for you. I just get weirded out when I see it in a commercial running on regular television.
  

• Bare Escentuals (Bare Minerals make-up) - I can not tell you how sick I am of this commercial. I realize a lot of people love this make-up. Me? Not so much - too shiny, almost sparkly even. Works for some but I'm not a fan. However, I am a make-up artist & by definition a make-up junkie so generally make-up commercials, infomercials, even home shopping crap catch my attention. That being said, as phenomenal as make-up can be, it's not a miracle & lady, I'm pretty sure you CAN live without it. It might not bother me if I only saw it once & awhile but I can not get through one late night without seeing this & Vibrating touch numerous times. I hate them both.

• ExtenZe male enhancement product. Honestly, this one really kinda creeps me out. I'm a huge hockey fan & this played consistently throughout the Stanley Cup playoffs on Versus. Not even late at night, just right in the middle of prime time viewing - when lots of kids happen to be watching. Those must have been some fun conversations. If you don't watch sports or any other shows with a target male audience, you may not have seen it but you're in luck as you have me to share it with you. BTW, I didn't add the sound effects but found them a little amusing nonetheless.
  
  

• And then there's Pos-T-Vac - I don't really need to explain that right? Vacuum therapy for erectile dysfunction. So you're cuddling, kissing, petting, a little foreplay & then what? "Just a sec honey, let me grab my pump. Give me a few minutes here". I don't care how turned on you are, how much you want to have sex, I'm pretty sure that'll kill the mood!
  

• And my personal favorite - Aciphex. Go ahead & say it out loud. I'll wait. See what I mean? All I hear is "Ass Effects" and they say it a lot in the commercial. I actually giggled like a teenage boy the first time I heard this. A true Bevis & Butthead moment. I mean seriously, what kind of idiots were in on that marketing meeting? Did no one actually say the name of the product out loud? Come on people, you're killing me! This is comic fodder for years. BTW - it's a heartburn product, if anyone cares.

Is there a lesson here? Well, let's see.....Men have small penises & all women want a man with a huge dick. A woman's vagina should be so clean it squeaks. If you watch late night television, not only are you a complete horn dog but you obviously aren't getting any (because you can't get it up, aren't big enough or you itch & stink) otherwise you wouldn't be watching TV at 1am. And make-up can change your life.

That last one is true though....

Things Could Always be Worse

This is usually what I tell myself when I'm feeling down but it has become much more apparent with this recent update from a friend of mine. She is a stylist with her own salon. About a year ago she got a new assistant (we'll call her Shelly) that had moved here from Washington with her husband of many years & their son. Her husband (we'll can him Dan) also worked as a stylist at the salon. Now, I have worked in the beauty industry for years in a few different salons & I've worked with a lot of male hairdressers - most of them straight but when I saw Dan I remember thinking "Seriously? They've been married for more than 10 years?" Everything about him set off my gaydar in a big way. Turns out I was right & I couldn't be more sad for Shelly.

A few weeks ago, her told her he was gay & wanted a divorce. She was devastated - absolutely heartbroken. She was barely into the "How is this my life? How could I be so stupid?" phase when a couple of days later he woke her up at 3am to tell her that not only is he gay - he's HIV POSITIVE! Chances are he never even would have told her he was gay if he wasn't HIV positive. He would have gone on with his double life indefinitely. I can't even imagine what she's going through right now.

When I start feeling sorry for myself, I think of Shelly & the fact that not only is her husband gay, he's been sleeping around for God knows how long & has possibly infected her with HIV.

Yes siree, things could always be worse......

One Month Ago Today....

I officially separated & moved into my own place. I know that lately everything I write tends to be about being sad & missing what I had but honestly, I'm not like that all the time. I've come to a place where I'm not sad all the time. I still cry pretty much every day but not like before. Now it's just every now & then - when I see something about weddings or a show that we always watched together or something that reminds me of an inside joke we shared - but it's different than before. At first it was full on crying & feeling sorry for myself. Now it's more like a few tears, feeling sad for a few minutes & moving on. Progress....

I've also started looking into doing some things for me. As usual, when something tough happens to me, I try to reconnect spiritually. I just ordered some books I've been wanting to get for awhile now. When I read The Secret, I realized that some of the reference material used was connected to some books I had read years ago. I'm not a huge fan of The Secret just because I think it's a little too ambiguous but it stems from The New Though Movement which I started looking into after reading Emmet Fox's Sermon on the Mount. I'm not fully involved but I do think there is something to the whole "the practice of the presence of God for practical purposes" which is just another way of looking at the Law of Attraction and manifesting through positive thinking. So I've ordered some new books to further my spiritual studies & reconnect to that part of myself that seems to have been on hold for the past few years. They should be here next week & I'm excited to get started.

I'm also thinking about going back to school. More specifically, taking online courses & getting my degree. In what? I have no idea but school can never hurt right? I just started to realize that I was in pretty much this same financial position 10 years ago & I don't want to be here in another 10 years.

And at some point, I plan to find a Pilates class & get myself into better shape. I was going to do it before the wedding so I could look great in my dress. Obviously I don't need to do that now but if in fact I need to put my product back out there on the market someday, it really should look good.

Thanks to all of you for being so supportive. I feel bad being such a downer when you guys are all happy but you all have been great. I know I'm not the only one out there going through this so hopefully my ramblings can help someone feel less alone someday.

This is Hard....

Really hard. It's been a few weeks since my anti-bridal shower & the move into my own place. Unfortunately, I haven't been real motivated to get my place unpacked. I started out pretty well but as the reality set in, I was just sad & depressed (is that redundant?). I just didn't want to do anything. Not unpack, not look for a job, not talk to anyone - I just started playing mindless games on the computer & watching TV. It's like I just want to occupy myself with other things so I don't have to think about my life.

I don't want to think about it because I don't understand it. I don't know how or why we got here & I don't want to be here. I think more than anything else, I really miss my friend. He was my person. We talked on the phone all the time when we weren't together & I told him everything. I miss sharing the menial bullshit that goes on in my daily life with him. I still talk to him & we're friendly & he tries to be supportive (which is big of him since this is all his doing anyway) but it's not the same. I mean, I can't just call him all the time like I used to. Seems like that would make it too easy for him right? I don't want to be just friends even if I do miss that part the most.

Since we've moved, he's been working & out of town with friends. He's spent very little time by himself actually thinking about this. I have asked him to do just that & figure out why this is what he needs & what he really wants out of it. He can't seem to give me an answer to that right now. Maybe he really just doesn't want to be with me & by the time he figures it out, I may not want to be with him.

Tonight I made the HUGE mistake of looking at Broke-Ass Bride's wedding pictures. I don't know why I did it. As some of you may remember, we booked or wedding & reception the same place they had their reception. So why did I look? I don't know but I felt like I had to. Then I cried. A lot.

Jeez, I'm just really sad. It's like everything I thought I knew about my life just doesn't exist anymore. Well, not everything about my life - I still have awesome friends & family & a strong faith but all my plans for my future are just gone. Sure, I know there will still be a future & eventually, I'll have different plans but is sure is hard to give up what I had. I suppose it could still work out eventually but I have decided that if this is what he wants, he'll have to work his ass off to get it back! And some kind of therapy will be required - mostly for me.