Things That Are Bugging Me Today

Different things bug me all the time & they have been known to change from day to day but today these are the things that are getting on my last nerve.

"Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon. I seriously hate this song. I can't find anything redeeming about it. The lyrics are stupid but I could get past that. After all, I have my share of Kiss & 'N Sync (yeah, I know, I'm quite the contradiction) on my iPod. However, musically, it's not only really bad but even worse, it's boring. Boring + musically inferior + bad lyrics = a simply detestable song. Which begs the obvious question - why is it popular? Who is listening to it? And what am I missing here? BTW - no offense to any of you that may love this song. I just don't get it & I don't think I want to.

Kate Gosselin & her ridiculous haircut. Actually, I'm pretty sick of the Gosselin's altogether but I don't care about their show, their divorce, his cheating, or their kids because I can't freakin' get past her hair! What decade is she living in? And if you have a television show, shouldn't there be someone in your life to tell you that maybe a Flock of Seagulls meets Rod Stewart hair cut isn't the way to go?! Like maybe the guy that cuts & colors that mess for instance? I mean really, what the hell is going on here?

Traffic - or more specifically, traffic for no reason other than stupidity & obstinance. Like the inability to merge. How freakin' hard is it to signal & merge?! Apparently harder than I think based on the fact that I see people ride the shoulder all the way up the freeway because they just can't seem to decide when it's safe. If someone has slowed & is waving you over, IT'S SAFE for Christ's sake!! And on the flip side, does it really make you less of a person if you happen to let someone merge in front of you? Is it a contest to see who can be that one extra car length closer to home? I guess if you are closer that means you win - even if you're stopped. The mergies (trying to merge) & the merge nots are really screwing up the traffic for the rest of us! Here's a diagram from New York Magazine that shows the different merging techniques. It amuses me.

So this week's version of hell would have me donning Kate Gosselin's dreadful haircut, sitting in traffic, trying to let someone merge & listening to "Sex on Fire".

Observations from the Unemployed

So, I'm still not working which means that I stay up late & sleep in every day. I'm a night person by nature so whenever I'm not working, my body just naturally falls into this pattern. It'll be a bitch when I have to go back to work & readjust but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

The other thing that happens is that I usually have the TV on all the time. Even if I'm doing other things, I have the TV on. I was an only child until I was 20 so I think it just became like company to me. It's kinda soothing in a way. However, there are commercials that I notice over & over that bug me so just in case you missed them, I thought I should point them out.

• Just because I'm a women & I happen to be home watching soaps in the afternoon doesn't mean I want to hear about every possible feminine hygiene product available. Like this new Rephresh gel which claims to maintain a healthy vaginal pH & eliminate order. It usually comes on at night but it's still on topic. The commercial starts with an announcer asking "tired of the discomfort from vaginal itching and odor?" (is this a problem for everyone but me? Cuz that's what they seem to be inferring). But what happens next is what gets me:
• After your period? Rephresh
• After intercourse? Rephresh
• After douching? Rephresh
After douching?! Are you freakin' kidding me?! First of all, when did we start talking about douching in anything but very vague terms? And more importantly, if you itch & stink on a regular basis (especially AFTER douching) - GO TO THE FREAKIN' DOCTOR! Holy crap, do I really need to say that?

• Trojan Vibrating Touch personal massager - ok Trojan, you can call it a personal massager but we all know it's just a vibrator & not a very good one at that. They should just call it what it is - vibrator for beginners. The commercial annoys the hell out of me. Two middle aged women are giggling & talking about all the things it could do. Really? It's a tiny, fingertip vibrator. I can't imagine that it can do much more than your finger can do on it's own but I digress. Then, they cut to the women who are supposedly using it.
  • "Let's just say it's GOOD for a relationship" A relationship with who sweetie? Yourself? Great, but get a real vibrator!
  • "And it comes in this awesome little bag" Seriously? Is that a real selling point?
  Once again, when did we start talking about & selling vibrators on TV? Ok so it's not on during the day or prime time, but still -it's a commercial for a vibrator. So if Trojan can get away with it does that mean the next step is commercials for regular old vibrators? Then maybe we'll move on to g-spot vibes & rabbits, then attachments? I guess as long as we call them personal massagers, it's ok. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a probelm with any of those things. As a matter of fact, I'm pro-toys. I'm all for anything that works for you. I just get weirded out when I see it in a commercial running on regular television.
  

• Bare Escentuals (Bare Minerals make-up) - I can not tell you how sick I am of this commercial. I realize a lot of people love this make-up. Me? Not so much - too shiny, almost sparkly even. Works for some but I'm not a fan. However, I am a make-up artist & by definition a make-up junkie so generally make-up commercials, infomercials, even home shopping crap catch my attention. That being said, as phenomenal as make-up can be, it's not a miracle & lady, I'm pretty sure you CAN live without it. It might not bother me if I only saw it once & awhile but I can not get through one late night without seeing this & Vibrating touch numerous times. I hate them both.

• ExtenZe male enhancement product. Honestly, this one really kinda creeps me out. I'm a huge hockey fan & this played consistently throughout the Stanley Cup playoffs on Versus. Not even late at night, just right in the middle of prime time viewing - when lots of kids happen to be watching. Those must have been some fun conversations. If you don't watch sports or any other shows with a target male audience, you may not have seen it but you're in luck as you have me to share it with you. BTW, I didn't add the sound effects but found them a little amusing nonetheless.
  
  

• And then there's Pos-T-Vac - I don't really need to explain that right? Vacuum therapy for erectile dysfunction. So you're cuddling, kissing, petting, a little foreplay & then what? "Just a sec honey, let me grab my pump. Give me a few minutes here". I don't care how turned on you are, how much you want to have sex, I'm pretty sure that'll kill the mood!
  

• And my personal favorite - Aciphex. Go ahead & say it out loud. I'll wait. See what I mean? All I hear is "Ass Effects" and they say it a lot in the commercial. I actually giggled like a teenage boy the first time I heard this. A true Bevis & Butthead moment. I mean seriously, what kind of idiots were in on that marketing meeting? Did no one actually say the name of the product out loud? Come on people, you're killing me! This is comic fodder for years. BTW - it's a heartburn product, if anyone cares.

Is there a lesson here? Well, let's see.....Men have small penises & all women want a man with a huge dick. A woman's vagina should be so clean it squeaks. If you watch late night television, not only are you a complete horn dog but you obviously aren't getting any (because you can't get it up, aren't big enough or you itch & stink) otherwise you wouldn't be watching TV at 1am. And make-up can change your life.

That last one is true though....

I Think I have to Stop Reading SMP...

Every "real" wedding they show, while phenomenal, is so far out of any price range I can imagine that it's starting to depress me as opposed to inspiring me. I believe that means it's time to let go.

Offbeat Bride Advice

So I'm catching up on a couple days of blogs & I come upon this from Offbeat Bride. It starts with the Best of Craigslist rant on weddings which most of us are familiar with & which I find freakin' hysterical. She then goes on to say it's easy to talk about what you don't want & much harder to pinpoint what you do what.

But you know what's much harder? Creating what you want. It's so easy to slam other people for their over-the-top this, their tasteless that, their tacky whatever. It's much harder to stare down the muzzle of your own wedding (and your own life!) and determine what you actually want from it.

Fuck

I have to be honest, I like bitching about all the things that drive me crazy. I honestly hate planning my wedding. I know but it's true. I hate it. According to every wedding website, I'm doing nothing right, I'm about a gazillion steps behind on the checklists & I "should" be enjoying picking out the perfect centerpieces & figuring out how to decorate our venue like "us". I don't. I hate it. I am a rare kind of anti-bride. Complaining, venting, ranting about all this is what keeps me sane & now this one comes along & makes me think perhaps I should change my focus. Crap

So here's what I've decided in my few moments of introspection - she makes a very valid point & I do need to put a little more energy into what we want vs. what we don't want. That being said, the anti-bride in me will still be showing up fairly regularly. I can't help it. I like it. I amuse myself & it makes me feel better. Not better about myself. I mean, I don't think what I want is better than what someone else wants for their wedding. Not the case, none of us are better, just different. It just makes me feel better to vent about the stuff I find insane or inane....whatever.

Sometimes, it's too much....

I've kind of avoided wedding blogs the last couple days. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys but sometimes it's too much. I'm not doing things like "they" say I should. Even thought I've been engaged over a year, I've only recently gotten serious about planning anything. Not a year ago, not even a year from the date of the wedding. Seriously, I only gave myself about 6 months. So that means every list that I find in a book, magazine or website is completely useless to me - and overwhelming.

Today I was reading A Practical Wedding. I love Meg (who doesn't?) but today she blogged about The List & I found myself freaking out. It's the 4-5 months before list (exactly where I am) & I don't think I've done one thing. Funny thing is, she talks about the ridiculousness of these lists but I still found myself close to panic by the time I was finished.

Here's a little of what went on in my head:

Ohmygod, what am I going to do? I'm never going to be able to do this. It's too much. I "should" be doing all these things & I don't even have my dress, or photographer, or flowers. Invitations, what about my invitations? I haven't even decided on what I want. I'll never get everything done in time. Mr. C&E needs to help me more. I can't do this myself. I'm screwed, why do I bother?

That was fun, right? I was close to tears for no real reason. See, I know I'm not doing it the way "they" say I should & I know that the lists are basically useless to me & I know that many women wouldn't do what I'm doing. Usually, I'm fine with this but when I get to reading too much, I freak out. Usually Mr. C&E is the recipient of my tirade & he helps talk me down however he's out of town this week so I just cried instead.

Oh, and my period started today so I guess that may have something to do with it too. ;)

I Have a Semi-Dilemma

I mean, it's not really a dilemma as much as just something different that what I thought. See, I asked my mom some number of years ago if they had a wedding account for me & my mom told me it wasn't much, about $10,000. So when the time actually came for my wedding, I brought it up again. Knowing that they have 2 kids in college, I wasn't sure if they'd still be willing to pay for the wedding. She said yes, but certainly no more than the $10,000 she had told me about. Ok, I thought, no problem, I can work with that. I should mention that we're broke. Not what a lot of people consider broke, but REALLY, REALLY broke. And we have bad credit. Good times.

Anywhoo, I'm talking to my mom about the wedding a few weeks ago & she mentions something along the lines of not spending it all on the wedding & saving some. I say well, it's not really our money. I mean, it's their money so if we don't spend it all, it's not like we get to keep it. At this point she says well, maybe you should think about it because it doesn't matter to me. $10,000 is $10,000 either way. Now I take this to mean that regardless of what we do with it, it's our money, right?

Apparently not. I called her today to talk about how she wanted to handle the money. I assumed she wouldn't want me to call he about every little thing I wanted to spend money on. After all, in my head, I had the money to do with as I pleased which meant I was planning to buy some make up & jewelry, get my hair done for the wedding, as well as take a pilates class & buy an excersise video. Ya know, the stuff you do to look more fabulous than normal, not to mention the boy still needs a ring. So I allude to this in the conversation & she starts asking me why I need make up & don't I already have jewelry & was she supposed to pay for all that personal stuff. Hhmmm, this isn't going like I thought it would. I explain to her what I was thinking & clearly, this is not what she was thinking. Said she needed to talk to my step dad about it. I reminded her about that "$10,000 is $10,000" conversation & she says yeah well, that's when she thought I couldn't do it for under 10K. She also said it was before my dad sent me $2000 (which we were planning to use for the honeymoon).

Now, let me be clear here. I am VERY grateful that my parents are even willing to pay for the wedding so I don't want to come off like some petulant bitchy bridezilla. Before the 10K is 10K conversation, in no way did I expect my mom to just hand me the money to do with what I wanted. However, after that conversation, I kinda did (within reason, of course) so that's the way I had been planning. Now it appears as if that will change. Whatever, I can do it, it'll just be hard - real hard (which goes against my whole cheap & easy thing). After all, I'm currently unemployed & don't have any way to put aside my own money right now and the boys work has been slow as well. So I'm not sure how this will work but surely, I'll figure something out, right?

Right & don't call me Shirley.

I suck...

I know, you don't have to tell me. I haven't been posting at all. As a matter of fact, I haven't been doing much of anything. I feel like crap. I'm fighting this upper respiratory infection & while I still read the blogs I subscribe to & try to do wedding stuff, I just don't feel like I have much to say on the whole thing.

I'm waiting on another proposal for a local venue. I about freaked out when I figured out the date we chose is only 5 months away & I don't have anything booked. But then I talked myself down because the places I'm looking at are still available on my date so I'm ok. For now.

Hopefully, I'll feel better & get back to blogging this weekend. I'm quite sure there is a lot to talk about - I just don't care at the moment.

Wedding Planning 101

I went to a little seminar (more like a get together) that a local wedding planner holds fairly regularly. Ten bucks & lots of ideas but what I really came away with was this - I suck at this planning thing, I'm not a "normal" bride" & I better get my ass moving on this thing!

April Whitney is the name of the planner & she went around & asked us all about our wedding & how far we were in the process. Here's a little of how it went~

AW: Have you set a date?
Me: First or second weekend in August. Probably a Sunday or Friday since it's cheaper.
AW: Booked a venue?
Me: No, we're considering a place up in West Hollywood but it's not exactly what I had in mind however we really like it.
AW: Booked a church?
Me: Not sure if we'll do a church ceremony. We'd prefer to do ceremony & reception in the same place.
AW: How many people?
Me: 75-125
AW: Sit down dinner or buffet?
Me: Whatever
AW: What kind of food do you want?
Me: Good food that appeals to many tastes
AW: What are your colors?
Me: Black & White with an accent color - probably deep burgundy or purple. May change based on the venue.
AW: How many bridesmaids?
Me: 2 or 3
AW: Have you picked the bridesmaid dresses?
Me: They can pick their own. They are all very different. I will just guide them in length & material choice. I don't want one shiny & the other matte.
AW: What about favors?
Me: I don't really think they are necessary. Maybe a big, fun candy bar.
AW: Band or DJ
Me: I'm thinking iPod

So as this conversation continued, I realized I don't really have concrete answers to most of her questions. Meanwhile, the bride next to me (who is getting married only 2 months before I am) pulls out her big ass formal wedding planner with handles - church & reception booked, food chosen, dress & bridesmaid dresses purchased, DJ AND 10 piece band already booked, flower girls & ring bearers being fitted....Well, you see where I'm going. I don't even know why she was there. As I listened to her talking about her wedding, I thought "Ugh! I hate it". I mean, I would hate it for me. So traditional, so thought out, so planned, so BORING - not to mention ridiculously expensive.

I guess the main thing I came away with is I just want a big, fun party with my friends - no bouquet or garter toss, no clinking glasses for us to kiss, minimal toasts, no formal dances with every parent. I just want it to be kinda retro glamorous cool as well as relaxed & fun. I want a dress I can dance in with out sweating like a pig. I want to wear black shoes. I want a simple bouquet. I don't give a crap about fancy dishes or linens or chairs or chair covers. I just want it to rock - in a retro glam kinda way!

Yay Brandy!!

Brandy was my first (comment on the blog, that is) & for some reason, it made me quite happy that someone was reading my little blog. Not just reading but sharing. Somehow I feel like if people read it then perhaps a little of the crazy leaves with them! I'm kidding of course, I'm sure we all have our own brand of crazy.

Back to Brandy - her idea was a good one. Happened to be the same thing my new book mentioned. Yes ok, I succumbed to the book store but did not come away with a $45 planner with pretty colored folders & sheet protectors. No, no - I came out of there with a handy little book called the "I have a Life" Brides Guide (subtitle: Plan the wedding you've always wanted without losing your mind). PERFECT!! That's what I want! And one of the first things in there is exactly what Brandy said - go to Staples, get a big ass binder, tabs, sheet protectors etc & create your own bridal planner. I haven't done it yet, but I will.

You know what else it said? Don't register for more then one of the big wedding sites. That is advice I could have used earlier. After a minor breakdown last Sunday, I have figured out that I am a mess because I am allowing myself to get caught up & then I don't know what to do, so I just don't do anything. Never going to get anything done that way. So, I am changing my internal dialog & dammit, this is going to be fun! Well, at least I have figured out how to stop making it a nightmare.

The Blogger Black Hole

Don't act like you don't know what it is. Of course you do, I'm sure that's how you ended up here in the first place. You start out looking at one of the blogs you're following, that's linked to another, a nice comment from someone so you click over & check out their blog, their blog list is new & before you know it, you have no idea how you got from wedding planning to antique cars! This is my dilemma lately.

Oh, who am I kidding, that's been my dilemma for years. I can't stay focused. I'm fairly sure I suffer from adult attention deficit disorder. Normally, this doesn't seem to bother me too much but in this planning mode I'm in, it seems fairly detrimental. I'm not getting anywhere. No that's not true - it's just taking me too long to get there!

So what to do? I look at the planning tools on The Knot, Brides.com, WeddingChannel.com etc. but I just can't get behind it. I think I want to but whenever I look through them I think - what a pain in the ass. I mean really - how are you women so freakin' organized? Is everyone but me dissecting this thing like a frog in 7th grade science?!

I don't think so. I think they want you to believe that but it's not true. It's just one more myth perpetrated by the wedding industry to make us feel inferior & prime us to shell out more money for crap we don't need or even want.

Well, I'm just not falling for it. I'm going to keep tearing pages out of magazines without knowing where they will be filed. I'm keeping my guest list that we wrote out on scrap paper. And I will happily stick & re-stick my post-it notes with vendor recommendations until they just don't stick anymore. Screw 'em, I'll make it work! Apparently they just don't know who they're dealing with, right?

Right......however later this week, I'll still go by Borders & look at all the wedding planning guides. And eventually, I'm afraid I'll have to give in for fear of doing harm to myself or others due to my wedding induced insanity.