This is Hard....

Really hard. It's been a few weeks since my anti-bridal shower & the move into my own place. Unfortunately, I haven't been real motivated to get my place unpacked. I started out pretty well but as the reality set in, I was just sad & depressed (is that redundant?). I just didn't want to do anything. Not unpack, not look for a job, not talk to anyone - I just started playing mindless games on the computer & watching TV. It's like I just want to occupy myself with other things so I don't have to think about my life.

I don't want to think about it because I don't understand it. I don't know how or why we got here & I don't want to be here. I think more than anything else, I really miss my friend. He was my person. We talked on the phone all the time when we weren't together & I told him everything. I miss sharing the menial bullshit that goes on in my daily life with him. I still talk to him & we're friendly & he tries to be supportive (which is big of him since this is all his doing anyway) but it's not the same. I mean, I can't just call him all the time like I used to. Seems like that would make it too easy for him right? I don't want to be just friends even if I do miss that part the most.

Since we've moved, he's been working & out of town with friends. He's spent very little time by himself actually thinking about this. I have asked him to do just that & figure out why this is what he needs & what he really wants out of it. He can't seem to give me an answer to that right now. Maybe he really just doesn't want to be with me & by the time he figures it out, I may not want to be with him.

Tonight I made the HUGE mistake of looking at Broke-Ass Bride's wedding pictures. I don't know why I did it. As some of you may remember, we booked or wedding & reception the same place they had their reception. So why did I look? I don't know but I felt like I had to. Then I cried. A lot.

Jeez, I'm just really sad. It's like everything I thought I knew about my life just doesn't exist anymore. Well, not everything about my life - I still have awesome friends & family & a strong faith but all my plans for my future are just gone. Sure, I know there will still be a future & eventually, I'll have different plans but is sure is hard to give up what I had. I suppose it could still work out eventually but I have decided that if this is what he wants, he'll have to work his ass off to get it back! And some kind of therapy will be required - mostly for me.