Today Was Supposed to be my Wedding Day

Yep, a year of planning for what was supposed to be my "Big Day" but alas it was not to be. So now what? What do I do with my day so as not to dwell on it? Oddly enough, I don't feel as sad as I thought I might. I figured this day would be tough & I certainly have thought about the non-wedding ( I mean, how could I not, right?) but so far it hasn't been too bad.

A few you have asked me about the boy & what has happened since the separation so I'll give you a quick update. We still talk fairly regularly. It's kinda weird, but we all have to do what feels right I guess. Periodically, we get into the "what happened? what are we doing?" discussion however I have recently come to a place where I'm done asking. I've told him that since this whole thing was his decision, it needs to be him that makes the effort if he wants to make this work. As far as I'm concerned the only chance we have of doing that is to see a therapist. Clearly, communication is an issue for him. I've known it was an issue for years but I just thought we'd deal with it. That didn't really go as planned now, did it? So now, the ball is in his court. If he wants to fix it, he can find a counselor & I'm willing to give it a shot.

I'm at a place now where I believe that he did us a huge favor. I wasn't willing to give him the ultimatum of therapy before (even though I thought we should be going) but now he's forced the issue. He says he wants to be with me, he wants to work on the relationship & make it better before we get married, so I guess we'll see how much. I don't know, I'm still pretty angry with him. Can you forgive something like this? I mean, he didn't cheat on my or steal from me or tell me he was gay. He hasn't been deceiving me, he's just an idiot who doesn't really know how to identify & deal with his feelings. Can it be fixed? I'm just not sure, but I still have some hope.

Ok, so on with my day. I decided that since it was supposed to be a day that changed my life, I should do something positive. Something to help me be a better person or at least feel better about myself so today is the day I start Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred. I bought it to get in shape for the wedding but when we canceled it, I just didn't have the wherewithal to do much of anything for awhile & I really didn't give a shit if I was in shape. Besides, those first few weeks of sadness & depression lead to an 8 pound weight loss with no effort from me. Now I'm back to my old self, I'm almost back to my old weight. I'm naturally fairly thin so never felt the need to do much of anything but I just feel so out of shape. Not liking the way my arms look at all. So it's time to do something about it & what better day to start, right?

Now that I'm back at work, I have found it hard to get into blog mode. It's weird because that didn't used to be an issue but now when I get home from work, it seems like more work. I'm going to try to blog more often but say less maybe that way it won't seem like work. I'm on a mission to make this blogging thing fun again :)

Perhaps I Shouldn't be Allowed Out of the House

Lately I just find that most things & most people irritate me. I've gotten through the depressed, crying part of this break-up and it seems I've moved on to just plain irritable. Bitchy, even. Although truthfully, I don't think that it's about the break-up as much as that may just be who I am. Take for instance, my recent trip to Home Depot. Seeings as I moved into a place about 1/3 the size of my last place, storage is an issue so I have made quite a few trips to Home Depot & Lowe's trying to come up with solutions & I'm happy to say I've been fairly successful.

This particular time, I was wondering around the garden area contemplating buying a hose so my plants don't die. Although they aren't really my plants, I'm just renting them so I'm not sure I care. Anyway, I'm right next to the BBQ area & this guy was looking at one of those gigantic BBQ's they display proudly in the middle so people will stop & look. Clearly it worked in this instance as the sales guy made his way over to discuss it's merits. He's happy - he's got someone in his trap. Knowing his audience, the first thing he says is:

"Did you see the cooler? It can hold a whole case of Bud."

Said customer is about 5'8", 250 wearing a tank top & shorts. Trust me when I say, it's not a good look. He's also white. As in reddish hair (what was left of it) & freckles kinda white. He says:

"Yeah mang, I seen that."

Mang? Seriously, the guy is white as Casper, where the hell did that come from? And, "I seen"? Absolutely not. It's either "I saw" or "I've seen". Never, ever "I seen". As I'm pondering the complete package that is said customer, a girl walks up. Holy crap, this dreamboat actually has a girlfriend! I was surprised for a second until I noticed the look she was sporting. Long curly, dark hair, pinned back on top with big high bangs. Are you seeing it? Think "mall hair", New Jersey circa 1988. She's wearing a floral, sleeveless blousy thing with black shorts that I swear sat just below her breasts. Which only served to accentuate her long lost waistline. Say says:

"They don't got no more small candles. Can we use less?"

First of all, "don't got no"? I don't really need to go into that right? There is no possible sentence where this would be correct. And it's not less, it's fewer! There is a difference in how these words are used & for those of you that don't know, I'll explain. You use fewer when what you are talking about is quantifiable & less when it's not. For example - less fat, fewer calories. I can count calories, I can't count fat. See? Not so hard. You're welcome.

I don't think I'm any kind of English teacher here but how is it that anyone who has made it through school (& obviously, I'm assuming here) not understand the basic concept of a double negative? I mean, even if you didn't learn it in school, it doesn't even sound right. So as I was standing there, judging how they looked, what they were wearing & how they spoke, I realized I'm not judgmental, I'm just a bitch & perhaps I shouldn't be allowed out of the house so as to avoid this constant irritation. However my recent rant on commercials would indicate that it's not the outside world that bugs me, it's just life.

Sometimes I think I'd really like to be a better person. Ya know, rise above the irritation but I just don't see that happening. I'm convinced that my job on this earth is to point out all this crazy so people don't miss out on the absurdities of life. So I'm just going to go with it.

Good News....kinda

Starting Monday, I am back among the employed - yay! I'm going back to my old job which is what I was hoping for but I'll only be working 4 days a week. There is a very big part of me that loves working 4 days however, my bank account & creditors really prefer 5. Oh well, it's better than unemployment (but just barely).

If I had my way, I'd never work but since that will never be my reality, I'm very happy to be going back to a job with people that I truly like. No seriously, I genuinely like almost every person I work with. For me, that is saying quite a bit. As you may have noticed, people in general just bug me.

The Farmer's Market Paradigm

Shopping at a farmer's market will yield more fresh produce than one will eat. The market itself lures one into believing that we will surely eat much healthier the following week. That we will not end up throwing half of it away. Look at that luscious fruit, crispy veggies, fresh baked bread, gooey honey and eggs straight from the chicken. We must have all of it. We will surely eat it as it's all so fantastic, it will certainly make healthy eating easy, therefore we believe we will do it.

Alas, it is not true.

I'm going to clean out the fridge now.

Hey California - Get it Freakin' Togehter!

Ventura County Star

What the hell is wrong with you California? Don't get me wrong - I love you, I love where I live & the fact that I can get to the mountains, beach or desert within 2 hours. However, when it comes to money, my dear California, you suck. Yes, I'm sorry to have to tell you but it's true. You are effed up. I am sick of hearing about your budget crisis because you see, it really seems very simple to me. Remember all those ballot issues over the years that people voted in because they didn't do any more research than what they saw in paid TV commercials? How 'bout you just put some of those projects on hold & use the money for, oh I don't know - education or paying state employees!? I mean, I'm all for a high speed train from LA to San Francisco (though, personally, I'd rather have one going to Vegas) but still, I think educating children is more important. Maybe that's just me. All those street improvement projects? Love them but I think most of us would be willing to put them off if it meant we wouldn't get an IOU instead of a tax return. Oh wait - how bout this? All that money the government wastes on various things like thousands of phone lines & numbers that aren't in use (to name but one) let's take that & pay the people that keep government agencies running as opposed to forcing them to take a pay cut. Let's audit the state government & I'm sure we could find enough money in waste to balance the whole budget!

Ok, maybe not the whole budget but it certainly would help the "crisis". And I know it's not that simple but it sure seems like it should be.

Come on California, work with us here! Or at the very least, work with each other.....

My Neighbors Suck

I must warn that an asinine rant follows.

Not all my neighbors suck, some are quite lovely. However, there is this older couple that lives behind me. When I say older, I really only mean early 60's so not THAT old, just older than I. Anyway, they have annoyed me from the day I moved in but let's face it, I wasn't in the best of moods so I thought it was just me. Their grandkids are over all the time & they're loud but I tell myself to get over it as they are kids & it's not like they're keeping me up at night, right? No - but one of them is still pretty little & they have this big stroller out in front of their house which also happens to be my walkway to the trash & to my garage. It wouldn't be such a big deal if they would put it close up to their house, but they don't. They leave it all cock-eyed out in the way. I move it all the time hoping they may get the idea but it hasn't happened yet.

The garage itself is a whole nother issue. The the door that leads out of my garage backs right up to their back door & they keep all kinds of shit out there that blocks it. I've moved a few things but then I just decided to use the regular garage door as it seemed easier. I thought about calling my landlord right after I moved in but then thought after awhile I would probably start talking to them (since they live only feet from me) & I'd just mention it casually when the time came. I've been here almost 2 months & neither one of them have said more than a passing "hi" to me - and that is only when right in front of me & I say it first. Once or twice the woman actually avoided eye contact with me so as not to have to acknowledge my presence. Twice now, her youngest grandson was sitting right in front of the screen door staring outside (he does this all the time, it's a little odd) but twice as I've come walking up, I hear her call him back & tell him to get away from the door. Really lady? WTF is wrong with you? What do you think is going to happen if I, God forbid, smiled or said "hi" to your grandson? I got the distinct feeling that for some reason known only to her, this woman just doesn't like me.

Today confirmed it. Got a call from my landlord saying he's been having some complaints about me. I was floored. Honestly, I am an awesome tenant. Not one complaint ever in my entire rental history. I think I just said "really?" He goes on to tell me that the complaints are about the fact that I leave my door open all day & I smoke (sidebar here: I quit smoking years ago but with the recent break-up I have been occasionally indulging in this nasty little habit.) and that I have the nerve to have my TV on late at night. Apparently it's too loud for their taste. Now here's the thing - I don't smoke that often & half the time, I do it outside so how is that bothering them? My neighbor on the other side smokes outside as well & quite a bit more often but I guess that doesn't bother them as she's been living here for years & still does it. The TV thing I can understand. It probably is a little loud sometimes since I have the fan on but for fuck's sake, why wouldn't they just ask me to keep it down? They have to walk by my door every day to get to their door. Why not just say "Hey, sometimes your TV is a little loud, could you try to be aware of it?" but nnnoooo, she has to go to the landlord & complain like the whiny bitch she is.

He didn't tell me who complained but I don't have any doubt. She has officially pissed me off. I wonder what else I can do that would annoy her without looking like I did it on purpose. Is that bad? Yeah, that's probably bad but I don't care right now.

Just Sing it the Way it was Written

When did it become commonplace to sing the National Anthem as if you were auditioning for American Idol? Being the 4th of July, of course this would come up but see I go to at least 42 hockey games a year (usually more) & at every one they sing the anthem. Probably 90% of the time, it irritates me. I think it's sad that I actually get excited when I hear someone sing it correctly. The song was written with a certain rhythm, a specific tempo - you do not need to drag it out to twice it's original length just because you think you have an awesome voice. Cuz here's the thing - even if you do have an awesome voice, I don't give a shit. It's the NATIONAL ANTHEM - just sing it the way it's written!!

Hhmmm, I think it's safe to say I've moved into the sarcastic, irritated phase of the healing process!

Happy Independence Day everyone.